DELAYED VAGUE RECAP OF JERSEY SHORE SHENANIGANS
On a small patio in the scorching sun at a roadside rest stop mcdonalds my sisters boyfriend menaced my girlfriend with a garden hose sprayer head that had been left out by maintenance and yelled Chicago Gangland Assassination at her in mock ruthlessness
My girlfriends brother and his friend from college talked about ugly man parts for approximately thirteen hours nonstop while in proximity of and or away from each others person
My girlfriends brothers college friends girlfriend was nineteen and crude
My girlfriends brothers college friends girlfriend threatened to queef on her boyfriends head after we all had assisted my girlfriends brother in burying his college friend in sand
My brother and his wife and his children and i made a sandcastle together by the shore with a moat and a suburb and a strange crater or rock quarryish landscape formed by the imprint of my brothers wifes butt
My nephew and his sister and mother were frightened when they thought they saw the sillhouette of a sting ray in a wave
No one wants to be remembered for dying like Steve Irwin
My girlfriend and her brothers college friend both agreed they had seen a seal while her brother and his college friend suggested that a pair of lifeguards in a rowboat had also seen a whale
The waitress at Pizza Mikes was very short with us and got into a verbal dispute with my brother over the most efficient way to bring him tartar sauce for his fish sandwich
We all postulated that the arhythmic banging coming from the four eighteen year old college boys who had displaced us from the guest house was the sound of a headboard involved in a sex act though no one recalled a headboard when we had been in the property the day before
The eighteen year old college students played a game wherein they dejectedly lobbed sandbags toward one another while their faces unpredictably shifted from grim disappointment to hard won victory for seemingly identical events leading me to conclude that they were deranged
Our rentor was also deranged but in the more harmless way of someone who missed the hippie revolution by a decade and now wishes to be seen as hip by the younger set while involving odd hours with drug addled sex crazed and pierced delinquents in her less than close kept personal affairs and generally dressing like a small dog owning shut in
Both places we stayed looked put together wrong and damp and godless
Everyone in Jersey is a prick
The sea was full of trash
Got burnt to fuck and death
Did not drink exactly the right amount
Would go again
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